Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Losing My Dad [pt 3]

My Dad moved in with his Mom when we kicked him out of the house. He didn't live there that long. I wouldn't even say a month went by...

One very special day that I still cherish, my Dad called me and asked if I would like to go to the movies with him. I said yes and he came and picked me up. We went to the movies and saw The Bucket List. Now that I look back I get why my Dad loved that movie so much... I own the movie now because 1) It was a pretty damn good movie. and 2) It was one of my Dads favorites. But sadly it still has the wrapping around it. I can't get myself to watch it again after I did so with him. I remember he tried to start a fight with me about something ridiculous. It was one of those pointless arguments. I just turned and looked at him, and told him to shut up. I told him he cant ruin this day for me. And he just smiled and then kept on driving and we chose something else to talk about. That was the only day that I can remember where we didn't get into a fight.. I wont ever forget that day..

Another day he showed me that he was growing a mustache and I just laughed at him. My Dad always loved doing simple things to irritate my Mom as a joke, so he told me to go get my makeup so I could color it in more to give it the appearance of being more full. After coloring it in, we met with her at dinner. We went to Logan's Roadhouse for dinner. Towards the end of our meal my Dad had had a few too many drinks. But then again that was normal for him. My Mom was getting frustrated with him and decided to leave, while I stayed with my Dad. When we were heading out to the parking lot I joked with him as always saying that I'll drive. Difference this time was he tossed me the keys and said go for it. I was completely shocked. The last time I drove before this I was probably about 7 years old sitting on my Dad's lap steering for him. This time my Dad had a big 'ole Toyota Tundra. I got in the truck and backed out and just started driving around. I picked it up pretty easily and just had fun with it. We drove around in the Kohl's parking lot as well. I remember these guys hanging out by their car and my Dad rolled down the window and started yelling at them saying I thought that they were cute. Hahaha, man he always embarrassed the crap out of me. Soon enough it was time for me to head home, so my Dad and I switched spots and he took me home.

I didn't quite know how to explain this day. I found my old Diary and figured this would help some.

"On January 28th, 2008 I got a call from my Dad. He was at his dads house in Grass Valley. The first thing he brings up is 'Why were you mad that I didn't say goodbye last time I tried killing myself?' It soon ended with him telling me goodbye and I love you many times.. I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen."

After the phone call we tried getting a hold of him. Calling him over, and over. He wouldn't answer our calls anymore. Little did I know it's not that he wouldn't, it was that he couldn't. I called over and over again. I was convinced that the more I called then he would have to answer. Soon my Mom and I were on the road heading over to the town he was in. My Mom was on the phone with somebody who ended up convincing her to turn around, because we may end up regretting going there. So we went home and called the cops to have them go over and check on him. Later that night I remember us going to Starbucks, of course. I was waiting in the car on the phone with my friend. When my Mom walked out of Starbucks she was on the phone, crying. One of the workers from Starbucks was walking behind her carrying her drinks. My Mom (Still on the phone) got in the car. Once she hung up she asked for my phone. She told my friend that I needed her immediately, to come to the house right now. And then hung up. My Mom looked at me and said "You know right?" I nodded back at her and agreed.

I knew right then that my Dad was gone.

The funeral was on February 2nd 2008. So many people showed up. I wish my Dad just knew how many people loved him and cared for him. I still wish that my Dad could be here for all the things that he's going to miss in my life, and already has missed. My graduation, me going to college, meeting my wonderful husband and being there to walk me down the isle.... During all of those things I'm always going to wish that I had him there with me.

Even though my Dad put me through so much shit. And my Mom as well. Even though I always wished that he would just leave and I could have never seen him again. I would give anything to just be with him one last time..

So many people sit there and say that they really wouldn't care if their Dad or Mom or anyone was gone for good. That they would be happier without them. Well guess what? I was one of those people. I begged so many times that I would have a different life. That I wouldn't have to be going through the stuff that he put me through.
But he is still my Dad. He's the only Dad I have. And nobody could ever replace him. I miss him. And I love him with all my heart. And I forgive him.

R.I.P. Dad.