Monday, June 23, 2014

Losing My Dad

I honestly dont know where to begin with this.
I guess I'll just start with...

When I was in junior high, reality started to hit me. I was begining to see that my life at home wasn't the way it was supposed to be. All of my friends were aloud to have friends come over and go to other friends' houses to spend thie night. They were aloud to have "boyfriends". Their Dad's were a lot more involved in their lives.. Their Dad's didn't hurt them and they actually liked to be at home. They felt safe when they were at home, when I felt like I had to be on guard when I was at home. They were comfortable in their home.

That was the difference though. I wasn't. Things were so far different from everyone else's lives. I did what I could to try and be like my friends. When I was with them I would be happy, and felt free. When 8th grade came around, reality of what my life was like was hitting me harder than ever and I was doing everything I could to try and be happy and have fun. But nothing really seemed to work.

I remember these days as if they weren't over six years ago. I was sitting outside in the schoolyard during the reading period right after lunch with my friend Brandon. Suddenly I was getting a call from my Dad (now this is weird, because my Dad never calls me unless there's a reason. He's not just one to call and say hey. Especially not when I'm in school). I answered the call, and I remember him slurring his words. He would almost forget he was talking to me like he was getting distracted, and didn't quite make sense. He told me the reason he called was to let me know that my Mom will be picking me up from school instead of him... Not a reason he would normally call me for. If that was really the case then I would just see my Mom's car and know my Dad wasn't getting me. I got off the phone and contacted my Mom to tell her that I got a weird call from him, then went about the rest of my day at school. Figuring things were fine.

It was a Friday, and when it was time for my Mom to pick me up from school, my friends mom ended up picking me up. I should have sensed that something was wrong right then. Especially since I could tell she was being overly nice to me. She even took me to go get ice cream. I had no problem with that of course. She took me to her house and I hung out with my friend for the rest of the day. I ended up spending the night and just having a really good time. The next day, my Mom picked me up and we went home. I was sitting in the living room when my Mom pulled me aside and told me that the reason my Dad wasn't at home, was because he was in the hospital. I was confused, and she told me that he had attempted to commit suicide. I had absolutely no idea how to react. At first I refused to believe her and went into my parents room to look for him. I thought she was joking, smiling and asking where was he hiding. Her face was as serious as could be, and then I just went into shock. I had no idea what to do or say. She then asked if I wanted to go see him, which I immediately said yes to. 

When we arrived at the hospital, there was a few of my Dad's friends in the hallway leading to his room. I walked into the room to see my Dad laying in bed. A normal person, you would expect some kind of emotion on his face. Discomfort, dissapointment, depressed, hell...anything. He smiled at me and acted as if nothing ever happened. He was sitting in a hospital bed puking into a bucket and asking how school was yesterday... just a normal day.

Eventually I learned that he had taken a large amount of several kinds of pills. That's why when he called me, he made no sense.. It wasn't him. It was all the pills.

(To Be Continued..)